Today

As much as I would love to blame the heat and the humidity, and complain about it, I don't see a point. There are many out there already doing so and I am okay with that. Unless they start bitching and complaining about it when I'm at work, which is annoying. That's why I hide in the backroom as much as possible, getting away from all those people.

It's a nice day, high humidity because of clouds circling the area, and might I add only 103 degrees Fahrenheit. (They say it was suppose to get up to 113, I doubt it)  Then there is a soft breeze in the air.

It is quite hard to think clearly right now with nothing more than a box fan to cool me off, and a nice warm shower.

The reason why I have been updating this blog is to try and do something on a frequent basis. I usually start a project and never finish it, except for my book that I created with my own two hands. The one I hand sewn together, actually I created more than one now. I've created four all together. I create one for a specific reason, then another for another reason, then another. I need to create one more for more reasons.

What I am currently working on:

• Writing my ideas down on paper so I can create a book. Maybe for others to read. I'm not quite sure if I like people reading my thoughts. Specially those kind of thoughts.
• Creating a glass tree. I like the idea of playing with broken glass, sharp metal, and fire. Sweet.
• Sewing together a new book for reasons. As stated prior.
• Learning bass so I can become a famous rock star. (This one is a delusion. Delusions are fun.)
• Finding someone who is willing to rent a room at the house for very cheap. I'm not in it for the money, I just need help paying the bills.
• Figuring out how to make a cartoon. I can animate butterflies, but I can't draw.
• Read new books to learn new words.
• Make up words for fun.
• Creating some new poems and short stories. I haven't created a short story in a few months. I am lacking on that one. So I started it up again, but my view seems different than the others.
• Gain all the achievements on that Xbox game. Maybe later, I am tired of playing video games. It's beginning to feel like the same type of games over and over again. Can no one come up with a very unique idea that will gain my interest and support. PlayStation is upsetting too, same with Wii and all that good stuff.
• Finally, help a friend out who's been a little depressed lately. This one I've actually been working on for a while now. I understand what he's going through. When I went a year without work or school I was, I hated myself. His boss fired him for something he posted on Facebook not even relating to the work itself and now his boss is going around telling everyone he made terrorist threats so it's hard for him to get a job. Illegal for an old employer to do in this state, yes, but it's not like he could just find a lawyer. They're not cheap, I know, wasted three months pay on one because of personal issues.

Oh, and I am still trying to figure out all about how to use this blog. I don't play well with computer programs or electronics. I'm surprised this blog has lasted this long. Normally I get all embarrassed by my ranting, but because now I know no one reads this crap, I feel better.

Day Something or Other

So I've been typing and retyping and such at my computer and every few words I get this sensation that I have to write it out. so I do, then I type it out. Life was much easier when I could just write and fill a few notebooks of words without problems. I find myself needing my glasses more and more and hating the computer system of which I type on. I miss real paper sometimes.

Work has given me the opportunity to work part time, well not the opportunity, more like forced to work part time, so now I'm going to try for management since I no longer can finish my college degree, and since all I have is that job, might as well move up, get more money and such. Actually have money for things I could do like fix my car, build a garage, and I'll have time to finish my book.

I counted it out, I pay about 4,000$ in gas a year, which is not so bad considering I could be wasting a lot more. My car gets nice gas mileage for it's year, around 34 miles to the gallon for a '95. I have and am unable to change how gas works in a vehicle. Seriously. it's all magic to me. Now door panels I can handle.

Question, how is it that may car gets almost the same gas mileage as those newer cars that have been coming out? I thought that the whole point for making newer vehicles was to make the gas consumption rate less in order to save the environment. I am so tired.

Work

I sometimes bitch and complain about my job but I am glad I have one. Recently, I have been in contact with some of my friends, both from high school and college. Most don't have jobs now. One of my friends use to have a job but quit his job because his wife wanted them to move to a new state. They never moved and now he can't find a new job. One friend exited college with a bachelors degree and now can't find a job anywhere because no one is hiring for his degree. I have another friend who is using someone because she can't find a job so she's using him for money. Though I admit she could do a lot worse than him. Most of the people I knew are currently on welfare.

I know I'm not making a lot of money, or even in my dream job, but at least I have something. That and now that I'm not going to college anymore, I might as well go for management position. Just need to get my testing done and then learn how to count and do things. I can count, I just need to be trained how to count. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

Now what

Well, I did make it, I just don't care for it. The website thing.

I have gone back to my writings, and I am currently in the process of trying to make my tree.

a new web site

Well, I have come to the conclusion that I need to make a website. Not a blog but an actual website. Now, I make way below the poverty level and I can't afford a website, I can't even afford a house, just an empty plot of land to build on. Anyways, Just need to find something that will allow me to build a website for free and then later add stuff on that I would like, such as maybe possibly being able to add some pages to a fictional book I am writing just to  let others read it and say "hey that sucks, what the hell is wrong with this person?"

Yeah I'm doing this while I'm going around online looking for a web, and I already have one as well. Wow. And now I have one. Maybe I can change it and make it different just for my own use. Once the editor thing comes up and lets me use it. That's all for now until maybe tomorrow after work or before.

A while

So I haven't posted anything in a few weeks or so. I would like to say I was way too busy doing something massively important but, however, I was just playing video games on my time off. I should really get back to writing but I just want to get away from everything into something different for a while. Trying to get the last few remaining achievements on my xbox for this game. Even know I'm playing the game. I just want to do something else for now.

DRIMStoned

I remember I had a blog once in high school with the name DrIMStoned. I can't find it at all. I went searching the web and nothing. I wondered what happened to it.

I think I changed I lot since high school, though it's also been seven years as well. Amazing how I don't do all those things I use to.

Wow

Took me a while to realize, or even stop being lazy, but I did it. I changed the background and layout, but that won't be the one I will continue to use. Over time I plan on making it different. not right now, maybe within the next month or so, but I think this is an improvement, though hard to read.

Caring too much is not good such as not caring enough. Finding a middle ground is hard to do, but when it is done, it feels good. I'm talking of course about certain situations. When I care but don't care about something, it makes life seem so much more easier than usual.

OMG

So, I purchased a scale today, first scale I've had in, well since I was seven. Last few times I was weighed was at the doctors, first time I was 168, second time in December I was 172. Now I'm 160. Amazing. I kept telling people I weighed 180, not just for shock value, but because I honestly thought I would weigh that much by now. Meaning, if I keep up this whole training thing I've been doing, and within a few months I may achieve 140, and I will be in better shape and be able to quit smoking and, yadda.

Even purchased a sports bra so I can run a whole lot more than just a few yards. Now all I need is a pair of sweat pants that actually fit and to learn how to wear proper sneakers and not boots all the time. I haven't worn sneakers since junior high.

Noticing

I'm afraid. I know what I want career I want to get into, and I have many people who are supportive of my decision and many people who are willing to do anything to help me achieve it but I'm afraid to continue on with it.

At first when I started this blog several years ago, I forgot about it until a few years later when I was like "I should start a blog" then found out I have already started one. I realized that this blog has helped me with issues I have. For instance, though all these blogs are not about me bitching and whining about what has happened, well not enough bitching and whining, anyways back to what I was saying. I post here when I've been upset about something or I've been angry, or crying which made me feel at somewhat ease and won't be mad at people around that I should not get angry at for simply being in my life.

Now I write because I'm scared. I'm almost complete with my degree and I know what career choice I want to be involved in. I'm scared I won't look the part or be able to act the part or handle myself in situations well enough. I would talk to someone in the field, but I'm scared of what they may say about it. Well I actually have and they're very willing to help me out. But still.

Writing is a passion, not a career for me. I need something that makes me feel good about myself and maybe in a few years I'll be happy with who I am, but right now I'm scared. I'm sure many people feel this way about actually going into the world and seeing the world and living within the world.

I'm scared they'll know about how I was in high school and how I was up until about three years ago and about what I've done and I'm not sure if I can handle that. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to succeed in my goal.

I'm hoping in a few months I will think differently and in a few years I will actually be within my career choice. Just need to keep training for my goal.

Procrastination

Well, I haven't been doing my work for school in a while, which is all do within two weeks. I've been writing other things. Right now, I'm actually trying to open the word processor that holds my work for school, it won't work. It's starting up but it's taking forever to load and I need to be at work in six hours. This is what I get for waiting until the last minute.

Swimming

I haven't went swimming since high school. As a matter of fact, I haven't done so many things since high school and now it seems like it's the best time. I swam for nearly an hour. That was nice.

Problem is, that now that I have been posting a new blog on here on somewhat a regular basis, I feel like I have to keep it up. I'm just too tired to think straight. I've been tired for days.

Reason why, because I can't stop thinking. Now that I figured out what to write or even how to write it, I've got so many more things to write and I can't stop writing it. I do keep going back to the first book I wrote in between writing other things. Now every time I think, like I suddenly wake up with this thought in my mind I have to put it down on paper. Fun not being able to sleep. the other day, I found myself outside running from a bus, a figment of my own imagination, because I sleep walk. I got out through my window, tore down my curtains and everything. It sucks. There's more than one reason why there are deadbolts on my door. (That kind that needs a key on both sides to unlock)

Just trying

I feel so, well, I hate who I've become in the past few days. I need to sleep and eat but I just can't. And it's making me worse and worse and I hate people getting yelled at all the time and trying to get past all this bullshit. I hate this current situation I'm in. I know it's all my fault. It's not always my fault but in this case it is.

Well now

I just can't keep my mind straight. I'm having trouble with all of it. I have no clue what to do. I am indecisive.

Adding More

Well, I gave it a thought and decided to add more short stories before I put it onto Amazon. 99 cents isn't a good price for only 5000 words, it needs more. I would add more into it but I just can't.

5000 words

Well, the short story I cut down to about five-thousand words. Why? Because it's a short story and doesn't need all that extra fluff like what his favorite color is since it doesn't apply to the main story. I don't even put a hair color on him because there is no need to. Short sweet and to the point.
Within the next few days I will publish this short story and hope that people who hate it were actually able to read it rather than reading a sentence over and over again to actually understand it. I hate that so much. Sometimes I pay money for a book only to throw it away after the third chapter. I need to read it out loud to make sure it makes sense first, then publish, then continue with that novel.

I remember being in English class one day and we were doing short stories. I mean, really short. Like one line short stories. Here is one of mine:

"Orange and yellow, Colors of death"

Some people just don't understand.

In class we also did stories that were 250 words  to about 14,000 depending on what she wanted. That wasn't cool.

She also had us pick a word and write 20 pages worth about that single word, that was fun. Actually makes 2 page essays seem like nothing.

Did poetry of all forms

 Questioned why writing as an art has so many rules that cannot be broken. I hate that. Later found out these rules can be broken if you want to but no one reads them or wants to, maybe because the rules that are being broken make the novel almost unbearable.

Always preferred to write something new rather than bring something old up much better.

Learned that I can stay up for three days straight and that being in that state of mind actually helped in writing.

Later found out that while in that state it's hard to actually see the keyboard or the screen but the pounding continued anyways coming up with many spelling errors and then later being unable to fully know what the word should be and trying desperately to read it. Even spell check can't help with how bad the words came out.

Also found out I like to hurt my character the most when I've had a bad day at work or someone pissed me off enough.

I think I typed enough on this today. I've been trying to keep up with this blog. :) (Smiley face)

Post # Something,

Well, I have some what finished getting the story down on paper. Now I just have to reread it and learn not to keep rereading the first chapter over and over and over again but instead to simply reread all those thousands of words over and over and over again. In the mean time, I have a smaller story, a short story. I'm not sure if it is any good since I have never let anyone see it before, I was going to calling it a love story but I figure I'll be putting it up Amazon sometime soon for very cheap, only because it's around 10k words. Not really worth paying for. A short story is much easier to reread and rewrite several times whereas 70k words seem to take a whole lot longer. I figure, since I can't get past the first chapter without changing or editing something, it's going to take me months to edit.

Post Title

Normally I would try and save up my money only to waste it all on food. I don't waste my money on chips of candy or things such as that, I usually purchase fruits and vegitables and meat. Lost and lots of meat. Today I spent almost 50$ on just meat products alone, and not just any meat products, it's all beef. Well it's all about the protien. I eat foods that are high in protien like crazy. I also ended up eating a whole banana a day. I love fruits and vegitables but it took a long time to get to this point with bananas because of the texture, I couldn't stand the texture but now I'm alright with it. In fact I love bananas now just as much as apples and oranges and etc.

Well, today I went to the library and spent a few hundred dollars on books because of a book sale they had going on. I may have to wait to finish up fixing my teeth but I believe it was well worth it. The way some of these books smell is amazing, not that I have some sort of creepy fetish to books, but being able to hold a book that was sold in the 1880's and being able to have that smell is amazing. I can't wait to start reading all these books.

Did you know, there are people out there that only go to those things to buy those books just to sell them online for much more than what they paid for. These guys were really pissed that the collection of Louis L'amour was purchased by someone else because they wanted them just to sell them on ebay for a whole lot more. I am so excited about these books. I think people should learn to read a book rather than buy them just because of the dollar value they hold. Still, my favorite book within my collection, only because I have two different editions, is my 'Psychopathia Sexualis' book. I have the very first edition and then the third edition. It's not because of the sexual content or anything like that, I'm still not that freaky, I just like how far the study has come over the past 120 years.

Back to the protien, I only spent so much because I went to a gas station rather than driving 20 miles to town for it because I just really wanted it. Why? Because I was trying to get someone to work out and I showed him how to do push ups and sit ups and I ran with him and it's really frustrating trying to train someone who has never really worked out before. I amazed myself, I lift weights and run but I have not done a push up in a few years. I was able to do 17 before my waste started to hurt. I think I should start doing push ups again. It made me feel impowered. Now if I could just get him to start wokring out with me, then I'll be happy. I hate saying "Don't lift your ass like that." so much to a man. I think he's just lazy.

For

Well, as I was having fun hurting my character and coming up with many different scenarios, I forgot that I have to have some sort of story and not just some sort of book about one person getting hurt over and over again no matter how funny I think it is, so now I need to do a rewrite and come up with a way to make it into an actually story. I know what I want to make it into, but it's going to take longer than I thought. I think the overall story went from funny to feeling bad about the character. I'm alright with it.

I was going to post yesterday about it, but after what happened I just didn't want to. It seems wrong to post after something like that, specially that day of.

In general

I think I'm not fully satisfied with my life. I know my life could be worse, but I've been seeing people from high school who are married with children and others who are younger than me who are married with children.

My family wonders why I'm not married yet with children. Even my own grandfather believes I should have been married by now at least once. He's also alright if I was homosexual, which is weird but at least he can keep an open mind.

I've learned that employees that have been around for a lot less than I have are making more than me. Is it because they're men and I'm a woman? I just stopped working to my full potential, I even showed up an hour late to work today which is something I never do. I'm always early and ready for work and am willing to do the job to the best of my abilities and yet I just don't want to any more now that I know I'm not worth it. Took almost a year to put in my 90 day review.

December was when I just seemed to stop caring about my job and now it's gotten worse. I've been pissing people off, I've been counting all wrong, I've been bitching and complaining about nonsense. I was actually bitching about the music just to bitch. I've been giving away free refills and free drinks even though I'm allowed to, but even more so than usual because it's pissing me off.

The one thing I do not understand is how we can make more profits in the past few months that would generally allow us to have more hours, but then have our hours cut down by nearly half. Our profits have been up for months since the years prior and yet we lose our hours. I don't have insurance because I don't make enough and yet they expect me to show up to work in full health.

I'm pissed off at the entire situation.