Swimming

I haven't went swimming since high school. As a matter of fact, I haven't done so many things since high school and now it seems like it's the best time. I swam for nearly an hour. That was nice.

Problem is, that now that I have been posting a new blog on here on somewhat a regular basis, I feel like I have to keep it up. I'm just too tired to think straight. I've been tired for days.

Reason why, because I can't stop thinking. Now that I figured out what to write or even how to write it, I've got so many more things to write and I can't stop writing it. I do keep going back to the first book I wrote in between writing other things. Now every time I think, like I suddenly wake up with this thought in my mind I have to put it down on paper. Fun not being able to sleep. the other day, I found myself outside running from a bus, a figment of my own imagination, because I sleep walk. I got out through my window, tore down my curtains and everything. It sucks. There's more than one reason why there are deadbolts on my door. (That kind that needs a key on both sides to unlock)

Just trying

I feel so, well, I hate who I've become in the past few days. I need to sleep and eat but I just can't. And it's making me worse and worse and I hate people getting yelled at all the time and trying to get past all this bullshit. I hate this current situation I'm in. I know it's all my fault. It's not always my fault but in this case it is.

Well now

I just can't keep my mind straight. I'm having trouble with all of it. I have no clue what to do. I am indecisive.

Adding More

Well, I gave it a thought and decided to add more short stories before I put it onto Amazon. 99 cents isn't a good price for only 5000 words, it needs more. I would add more into it but I just can't.

5000 words

Well, the short story I cut down to about five-thousand words. Why? Because it's a short story and doesn't need all that extra fluff like what his favorite color is since it doesn't apply to the main story. I don't even put a hair color on him because there is no need to. Short sweet and to the point.
Within the next few days I will publish this short story and hope that people who hate it were actually able to read it rather than reading a sentence over and over again to actually understand it. I hate that so much. Sometimes I pay money for a book only to throw it away after the third chapter. I need to read it out loud to make sure it makes sense first, then publish, then continue with that novel.

I remember being in English class one day and we were doing short stories. I mean, really short. Like one line short stories. Here is one of mine:

"Orange and yellow, Colors of death"

Some people just don't understand.

In class we also did stories that were 250 words  to about 14,000 depending on what she wanted. That wasn't cool.

She also had us pick a word and write 20 pages worth about that single word, that was fun. Actually makes 2 page essays seem like nothing.

Did poetry of all forms

 Questioned why writing as an art has so many rules that cannot be broken. I hate that. Later found out these rules can be broken if you want to but no one reads them or wants to, maybe because the rules that are being broken make the novel almost unbearable.

Always preferred to write something new rather than bring something old up much better.

Learned that I can stay up for three days straight and that being in that state of mind actually helped in writing.

Later found out that while in that state it's hard to actually see the keyboard or the screen but the pounding continued anyways coming up with many spelling errors and then later being unable to fully know what the word should be and trying desperately to read it. Even spell check can't help with how bad the words came out.

Also found out I like to hurt my character the most when I've had a bad day at work or someone pissed me off enough.

I think I typed enough on this today. I've been trying to keep up with this blog. :) (Smiley face)

Post # Something,

Well, I have some what finished getting the story down on paper. Now I just have to reread it and learn not to keep rereading the first chapter over and over and over again but instead to simply reread all those thousands of words over and over and over again. In the mean time, I have a smaller story, a short story. I'm not sure if it is any good since I have never let anyone see it before, I was going to calling it a love story but I figure I'll be putting it up Amazon sometime soon for very cheap, only because it's around 10k words. Not really worth paying for. A short story is much easier to reread and rewrite several times whereas 70k words seem to take a whole lot longer. I figure, since I can't get past the first chapter without changing or editing something, it's going to take me months to edit.

Post Title

Normally I would try and save up my money only to waste it all on food. I don't waste my money on chips of candy or things such as that, I usually purchase fruits and vegitables and meat. Lost and lots of meat. Today I spent almost 50$ on just meat products alone, and not just any meat products, it's all beef. Well it's all about the protien. I eat foods that are high in protien like crazy. I also ended up eating a whole banana a day. I love fruits and vegitables but it took a long time to get to this point with bananas because of the texture, I couldn't stand the texture but now I'm alright with it. In fact I love bananas now just as much as apples and oranges and etc.

Well, today I went to the library and spent a few hundred dollars on books because of a book sale they had going on. I may have to wait to finish up fixing my teeth but I believe it was well worth it. The way some of these books smell is amazing, not that I have some sort of creepy fetish to books, but being able to hold a book that was sold in the 1880's and being able to have that smell is amazing. I can't wait to start reading all these books.

Did you know, there are people out there that only go to those things to buy those books just to sell them online for much more than what they paid for. These guys were really pissed that the collection of Louis L'amour was purchased by someone else because they wanted them just to sell them on ebay for a whole lot more. I am so excited about these books. I think people should learn to read a book rather than buy them just because of the dollar value they hold. Still, my favorite book within my collection, only because I have two different editions, is my 'Psychopathia Sexualis' book. I have the very first edition and then the third edition. It's not because of the sexual content or anything like that, I'm still not that freaky, I just like how far the study has come over the past 120 years.

Back to the protien, I only spent so much because I went to a gas station rather than driving 20 miles to town for it because I just really wanted it. Why? Because I was trying to get someone to work out and I showed him how to do push ups and sit ups and I ran with him and it's really frustrating trying to train someone who has never really worked out before. I amazed myself, I lift weights and run but I have not done a push up in a few years. I was able to do 17 before my waste started to hurt. I think I should start doing push ups again. It made me feel impowered. Now if I could just get him to start wokring out with me, then I'll be happy. I hate saying "Don't lift your ass like that." so much to a man. I think he's just lazy.

For

Well, as I was having fun hurting my character and coming up with many different scenarios, I forgot that I have to have some sort of story and not just some sort of book about one person getting hurt over and over again no matter how funny I think it is, so now I need to do a rewrite and come up with a way to make it into an actually story. I know what I want to make it into, but it's going to take longer than I thought. I think the overall story went from funny to feeling bad about the character. I'm alright with it.

I was going to post yesterday about it, but after what happened I just didn't want to. It seems wrong to post after something like that, specially that day of.

In general

I think I'm not fully satisfied with my life. I know my life could be worse, but I've been seeing people from high school who are married with children and others who are younger than me who are married with children.

My family wonders why I'm not married yet with children. Even my own grandfather believes I should have been married by now at least once. He's also alright if I was homosexual, which is weird but at least he can keep an open mind.

I've learned that employees that have been around for a lot less than I have are making more than me. Is it because they're men and I'm a woman? I just stopped working to my full potential, I even showed up an hour late to work today which is something I never do. I'm always early and ready for work and am willing to do the job to the best of my abilities and yet I just don't want to any more now that I know I'm not worth it. Took almost a year to put in my 90 day review.

December was when I just seemed to stop caring about my job and now it's gotten worse. I've been pissing people off, I've been counting all wrong, I've been bitching and complaining about nonsense. I was actually bitching about the music just to bitch. I've been giving away free refills and free drinks even though I'm allowed to, but even more so than usual because it's pissing me off.

The one thing I do not understand is how we can make more profits in the past few months that would generally allow us to have more hours, but then have our hours cut down by nearly half. Our profits have been up for months since the years prior and yet we lose our hours. I don't have insurance because I don't make enough and yet they expect me to show up to work in full health.

I'm pissed off at the entire situation.

Late Nights

I'm sure it gets harder and harder but I found out one of the hardest things with writing which has been nagging at me for years now but has gotten worse since I started to try and write a full novel.

Usually when I write a short story I would stay up late in order to finish the full thing whether it would be simply 500 words of up to 10,000 words. there were even times when I would stay up for a few days and write several short stories (which by the way I just received word that one of my submissions was published within a literary magazine for a small college. Sweet, now I can be famous. anyways) and it would end after that for maybe a month or even a year but now it's worse. For the past few days I have found myself staying up till one or two in the morning and waking up early like six or seven in the morning just to continue writing. I would normally have a problem with it since my normal work schedule would have me wake up at four in the morning sometimes three to get to work on time but since I have been scheduled for the late shift it's alright right now until my schedule is fixed.

The past few days I will try and sleep and the  suddenly jolt back up, grab my laptop, a different one in which does not go on the Internet, and type. I would then end up doing this dance over and over until my laptop's battery dies.

I have written within the past two days 20k words making it only 40k words. I gave up on the others for now, and I still have to keep going. I only took time away because I am getting frustrated at  how much it sucks. There are times when I write in third person and there are times when I write in first person with all the different positions such as omniscient and such (I'm too tired to fully remember all of it). I so badly want to read it over and change so much but not yet, it's not even close to being done yet and there is still so much more to put into words before fixing it but it's getting harder and harder to do because I am just so tired and having a head ache and my teeth hurt. My eyes hurt. I wish my glasses were fixed, it would make it better for me to see the screen.

The hardest part of all this is trying to figure out how to shut it off, and I don't mean my laptop I mean my mind. Unable to stop thinking about it constantly. Though there is one good thing about it all, with writing I can go into my own little world and picture everything around and just go off and play within it. I get to create whatever happens to the characters within my own story and I get to do what ever I want in the world I create and have fun with it. I'm writing what I enjoy and I have a nice little idea as to what kind of writings I like to do. I think it's more of a thriller of some sort. I'm not to sure what other genres it can be categorized as but I know it's a thriller.

Time to go back to writing more words to my book which most likely little to no people will read if I do get the chance to publish it. just like I know little to no people will read this. This blog post was a little too long. All my posts seem to be a little long, but that's what I do, I like to add in so much filler and crap.

Oh, one last statement or word or whatever. I do enjoy how much I am learning from the writing process. I get to search random things online that pertain to the book I am currently writing even if I don't use the information within my writing. I search something like a place or a historical event or an ancient lost civilization and I read it and save the information. I might enjoy learning about criminology at school but I never thought I would be learning information just for the fun of it. Other than how to speak a foreign language like Russian. I fell in love with the band "Korol I Shut" back in high school but being able to actually understand half the words now is nice. I had no clue the one song I loved so much, mostly because of the beat, was about one day being a king. I think that's what it means. About how people can laugh and stuff at him but he will be king.

Yard work

Well, I figured out why my first book did not work. I read it allowed to myself, only a few pages, and I found out it makes absolutely no sense. I mean, after I went to an editor in town who happens to also be a professor at the college and she explained to me what was wrong with it. So, I decided to write some more other books. I have currently in the process of three different ones. One of which I have now finished almost 40k words on, another which has 5k words, and the third which has 14k words. I'm going back and fourth between the three, the one with the 40k words I have been working on more than the others. I found out that when I get bored with one I just go on to the other for a while. Another thing I have been doing is when I start hating what I write I keep working on that one until I get past that part and usually when I get past that part I find that i write something that does not go with the continuity of the overall story but since they are just first drafts I can always go back later and fix it. I just don't want to go back until I have finished the story. I have had that problem before where I would write a chapter then go over it again and again and again and never get to the story.




Thin Walls (Bad language warning):
Is it so hard to keep it down? Do you really need to fuck all day?
Hearing all this fucking shit is driving me insane.
My insanity is increasing because of the noises that you make.
I will snap and murder you. Oh, it will be a sweet escape.
I turn the TV up and up but it doesn't seem to work at all.
I hear every noise from within there because of these thin walls.
I will fucking kill you. I will wait until you're asleep.
I will stab you over and over so I won't hear another peep.
I just can't stand these sounds because it's keeping me awake.
It's every night and every day. I swear I'm at the point of break.
The walls are closing in and the shadows are moving around.
I haven't slept in days because of all these fucking sounds.
When the moaning finally subsides, I pray it doesn't start back up.
But then it begins again. I just want it all to stop.

Pills

Stood in line to order some food today. A lady behind me asked "Did you already Order?" I said no. Then a few seconds later she asks "Are you in line?".

Pain pills that are extremely addictive are much easier and much cheaper to get than antibiotics. Amazing.

Finally broke down and got my hydrocodone (vicodin) for my teeth. Only took a few days of no sleep or food before I gave in. I have never tried this pain pill before and I'm afraid of what will happen.
Get part about these pills, I get to eat. Yay food.



Roulette:
And just for fun he grabbed a gun and put it to his head.
He felt so numb and is quite dumb then shoots himself dead.

Stuck in a Memory

She alone stand there in wake and sorrow,
listing through the memories of her past.
Trapped within an ongoing memory,
it seems that this will forever last.

She just cannot seem to find him,
searching without any signs to see.
She cannot seem to stand it,
there seemed no way to be free.

Even though all had seemed lost to her,
and finally one day he came by.
He left her a bouquet or roses,
on the site where she had died.


-------------------------------------------------------------------
I figured for once I would write a poem or short story or something, mostly because I read too many books in the past few days and well, about time I show off some of my crappy art in the form of words. I can't wait to show off more.